Passover — a time when all Jews milk the excuse to get off from work and flee home to celebrate with their extended family (plus their family friends, obviously).
I know Matza tastes terrible, let’s be real, it resembles cardboard, but if your ancestors could wander the desert for a solid 40 years, I think you can limit your carb intake for just one week.
These are the 20 things only members of the tribe will understand about Passover:
1. The longing to eat bread
Ugh, you never know how much you miss something until you are told you can’t have it. A day or two passes and you think you’ll survive, but by day three, you just can’t take it anymore.
2. Sitting through your grandpa’s awful jokes
Is it just a basic unwritten rule that all grandpas must tell terrible jokes over and over again? You start to think that maybe this is the point of celebrating different holidays.
3. Not realizing how long Seder actually takes until it’s too late
This isn’t an hour-long meal by any means. If you thought you were getting out in time to catch up on your weekly television shows, well then you thought wrong.
4. Everyone touches every single piece of food as it’s passed around the table
I get it, we’re family and this shouldn’t bother me, but everyone’s a little bit of a germaphobe and this is just a prime example.
5. Eating cardboard is okay for a minute, eight days is pushing it…
Eating Matza for this many days in a row is just plain torture. And for the people who claim they enjoy the taste, well you are just lying to yourself.
6. You can’t even enjoy a beer
If its got yeast in it then you ain’t drinking it. Sorry but you’re going to have to suffer through this Seder sober.
7. If you are still the youngest, you’re stuck asking the four questions
You finally think you have reached the age where this is no longer your responsibility. It doesn’t matter if you’re 24 because if you are still the youngest at the table, then it’s still your job to ask these questions.
8. The anticipation of reading from the Haggadah
Ugh, anxiety. There’s nothing worse than the dread you feel when it’s almost your turn to read. You haven’t had to do this for an entire year so who knows what words you will be butchering.
9. The fear you have when you actually have to read it in front of your entire family
“Who wrote these paragraphs anyway? My God this sh*t is difficult to pronounce. Okay, okay just sound it out you’ll make it…”
10. Getting harassed about when you are going to get engaged despite the fact you’re still single
After the religious aspects are over and done with, your family members get to the important questions — and, yes, they all revolve around your (nonexistent) love life: “Are you dating anyone?” “When are you going to make me a great-grandmother?”
11. …Which leads to your relatives trying to set you up
“Oh honey, my friend Sylvia’s grandson would be a perfect match for you!” Little do you know this grandson has red hair and is a solid 6 inches shorter than you. Really sounds like a winner there.
12. Debating if you can get away with taking another day off from work
“Will my boss know that I’m not really that religious? Doesn’t he have to give me the second day of Passover off? If everyone else gets Good Friday, I should be able to get two days off for Passover, right?”
13. You’re too old to look for the Afikoman
Any holiday that involves getting gifts is good in your book, but unfortunately when you have a paying job, searching for the Afikoman is no longer an option.
14. Starving yourself for a week because you can’t figure out what is/isn’t kosher
Maybe, I’ll just give up and only eat soup because trying to figure out what is and what isn’t acceptable during Passover is just impossible.
15. Having to ask the bartender for Potato vodka over a ton of screaming individuals on the weekends
Beer and your typical vodka are not options for you. If you do make it out, you can only drink potato vodka and good luck trying to order when the bartender just thinks you’re a stuck up brat.
16. Watching the “Rugrats” Passover special over and over because that’s still the best Jewish program of all time
Maybe you didn’t actually learn what Passover meant in Hebrew School, but luckily for you, that’s what the “Rugrats” special is for. It really put the struggle into perspective for us in a way we actually wanted to understand.
17. Wanting to punch every gentile who tells you how good matzah is
Do you? Do you really love it? Have you ever actually willingly eaten it for an entire meal? Or ever gone to the store to purchase it? Yeah, didn’t think so.
18. What exactly is Gefilte fish?
No I’m dead serious… What is this foul smelling thing you just placed on my plate? Will you be offended when I don’t eat it?
19. Leaving the city to go home is literally the mass exodus
If you are leaving from Penn Station, which a majority of you are, you know this place is actually worse than the mass exodus. Dealing with daily commuters is a struggle in and of itself, just imagine adding all the city dwellers into the mix.
20. The day when you are finally reunited with bread
Hallelujah! You made it through yet another week of sacrifice. I don’t know how those Jews made it in the desert. Excuse me while I ingest an entire pie of pizza.